E.T. Is Secretly the Scariest Movie of All Time

I do not like E.T. No, check that: I loathe E.T. I hate E.T. to the core of my being. If I came home one day to find my family brutally murdered, E.T. covered in their blood, and using said blood to write “ROB BRICKEN IS AN ASSHOLE” on the wall, I would not find him more awful than I do already. Yet, somehow, countless others love E.T. His eponymous movie is regarded as one of the best family friendly films ever made, and among Steven Spielberg’s crowning achievements.
I knew E.T. was evil from a very early age.
It should go without saying that everyone is wrong, and have all been tricked by Spielberg and his malformed creation into believing E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial is wholesome and heartwarming, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Chances are, you are one of these tens of millions of misguided souls. If so, read on, because I have an unassailable argument for why this so-called lovable alien should be feared and hated, beginning with this undeniable fact: E.T. looks like male genitalia.
I don’t say this to be crass. I absolutely do not like that he looks this way, but it cannot be denied. His large torso is a brownish, wrinkled sack atop two small feet. His head is bulbous, and upsettingly lies atop a long neck which E.T. extends whenever he is excited. It is a bleak truth, but a truth all the same. The proof is now that you’ve been made aware of it, you will never be able to unsee it, no matter how many times you watch the film.
— Read on medium.com/s/nerd-processor/e-t-is-secretly-the-scariest-movie-of-all-time-65035677f5c0

This echoes my feelings almost exactly.

I remember going to see this in the theater on first release. I remember my parents taking us but can’t remember if they stayed to watch or just dropped me and my sister off. I would have been in third grade, my sister in first. This was the early Eighties, so it seems alien and scary — like ET itself — that we would be “free range”.

Anyway, I hated the movie on first watching. In those days it would not be uncommon for me to see a single movie in the theater multiple times – I think I saw Goonies and War Games five times. E.T. Is terrible, and I have not seen it again.

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